Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
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Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
What a website
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
multitasking lunch
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.