[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
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motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!