[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
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Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
i wish i could marry a nap
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.