[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
You Might Also Like
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
okay run it by me one more time
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.