Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
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HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
they really do be looking like this
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited