The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
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Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”