If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
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My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*