Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
You Might Also Like
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.