*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
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DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I love snow
– People who never shovel
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
New menu item
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites