*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
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It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
My typo game is string.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character