[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
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Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice