Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
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Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
cause of death:
autopsy.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
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