Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
You Might Also Like
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.