Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
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Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Science memes
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man