The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.