Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
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Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
(2022)
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most