if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.