Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
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[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.