[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
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all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…