I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
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I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
The news
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
this is funnier than any friends episode
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
A game married people play.