[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
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I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Beware…..
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.