Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
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If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!