I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
You Might Also Like
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I love you…
…r dog.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks