If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
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Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
me as a parent
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted