@HEYWATCHMETWEET: Sex is a lot like chess. It takes strategy, patience, there's a horse there, the queen is watching.
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@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "I'm afraid-" *Wife crying* "I'm afraid your husband is in a better place now." *cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
@Reverend_Scott: Better than a Justin Bieber concert: 1. Being deaf. 2. A rattlesnake bite. 3. Chewing razor blades. 4. Licking a public toilet seat.
@SuperApple8: Millions are killed each year because they go potty without checking behind the shower curtain first. Be smart. Peep before you poop.
@jwoodham: FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that's easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.