The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
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T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum