Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
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You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Noted.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination