@xysist: Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG
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@Parkerlawyer: Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it. Anyone want to trade jobs?
@just1fool: My aunt called me a basket case so I swallowed all of her decorative, weaved pieces of art that hold things to show her.
@GhantaGuy: It's so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don't accept your friend request.
@sarcasm_inc: *waiter lays down my plate* "Can I get u anything else?" U CAN GET ME HAPPY FACE PANCAKES LIKE I ORDERED, U FUC- *he rotates my plate* oh ok