Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
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Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions