him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
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How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
next question.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.