Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
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My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
This made me chuckle.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…