Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
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Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
WTF
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”