“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
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me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.