We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
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[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time