Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
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[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.