Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
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Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
reviewed some movies recently
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
WTF IS THAT!
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
What fresh Hell is this?!?
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.