Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
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No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!