Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
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As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this