Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
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“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.