Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
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What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”