@realHamOnWry: Sex so good, you get out of bed to see which neighbor is having it.
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@KateWhineHall: 10yo: You know that's not what they mean by exercise, right? Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
@ActualPerson084: FREE IPAD FOR ANSWERING A SIMPLE SURVEY. 1) WHERE DO YOU LIVE? 2) DO YOU OWN WEAPONS? 3) WHEN ARE YOU MOST VULNERABLE? #NIGHTOFTHEFREEIPAD
@RummyLauded: Ten: Number of fingers children have. Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.
@Donna_McCoy: The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.