I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Boom, boom, ching!
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.