You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
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Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
It’s a gift
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
😍😂🥰😂😍
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!