Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
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next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
In Canada they just call them geese
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
🤣🤣🤣
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”