Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
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Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
weāre dead?
My daughter just called me āWhatever your name isā so you know Iām killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! š¤£š¤£
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesnāt get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now itās everyoneās problem š
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
No honey, Iām not going to ājust lay around and watch football all dayā. Thereās basketball and golf on too.
ššš
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Things Iāve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2ā¦.
Thatās it. Just donāt tickle people you donāt know
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: thatās the supervisor.
If you hold a baby up to a light and donāt see the security strip itās a fake baby
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.