Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
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I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji