“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
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Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite