Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
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my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.