Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
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[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool