Two submissives sitting in a tree.
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me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me