[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
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I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.