[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
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Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?